THE REAL (AND RAW) LIFE OF A NONCUSTODIAL MOM:
For so long I have seen myself as just a noncustodial mom. That’s it. Like it’s what I was created for, who I was destined to be. Being a noncustodial mom was just my lot in life. Everyone has one and this was […]
To each of you today, I thank you. Last night when I chose to crawl up in my own little world, hibernating with my tears, I never expected the morning to bring such joy. Friends are powerful, y’all. I would still be hiding […]
I need to talk and tonight there is no one to talk to. So I’m talking to you, here, out loud, in our little corner of … whatever you want to call it. Some days I call it frustration and pain, other days […]
IT’S BEEN HOW LONG?!:
Seems impossible that it has been this long. I never imagined that one day I would be forced to live life without my kids. It just wasn’t a choice I would have made deliberately.
With each roll of the number, the last nine years flash before my eyes – every night I couldn’t tuck them in bed, every morning I couldn’t kiss their cheeks, every school day I couldn’t pack their lunch, every load of laundry I couldn’t wash, every picture I couldn’t take or memory I couldn’t make, every birthday or baseball game missed, every phone call or weekend I wasn’t allowed, every tear-stained pillow and desperate squeeze to the lifeless forms, every time I had to watch them walk away, every friend that turned their back, every person that judged me before they knew me, every humiliating moment, every hour spent in hiding, every day wishing that suicide really was the answer, and every year I have spent without – all the pain and anger and hate that has coursed through my veins over the years releases itself back into the forefront of my memory.
So finding continual happyness in a lifestyle where the pain can still be so real and so raw has not been easy. In fact, it has been extremely difficult.
BUT I AM A SURVIVOR. AND THIS IS WHERE I SHARE MY STORY.
UPDATE, FEBRUARY 2015: Brandon & Dylan are now 15 and 13. They still live primarily with their dad, as they have since October 4, 2005. Ethan and I now live in Ohio, 8 hours away. It was a very difficult move, but I had to do it for me, for all of us, for our future. The never-ending black hole had returned so escaping it became my only option.
Updated: February 9, 2015